HOW TO DO THERAPY

Have you been thinking about going to therapy? Maybe you’ve noticed that you haven’t been feeling like yourself lately and would like to explore ways of feeling better. Or maybe something difficult is happening in your life right now that you’d like help managing on a mental and emotional level. As you begin the process of finding a therapist, setting and appointment, and speaking to your insurance company about coverage, there are a few fundamental things about participating in therapy that can help you be well prepared for the process before you get started. 

Therapy is work 

In graduate school, I had a professor that described going to therapy as “going to the brain spa.” This is a lovely, idealistic way to think of your weekly time spent with your therapist, luxuriously pausing to be present for every musing that crosses your mind and maybe having a good cry. I have certainly experienced this sentiment myself from both sides of the metaphorical couch. But that comparison is also misleading. By and large, and especially in the beginning, therapy requires effort on the part of both people in the room or video. It takes some acclimation time just getting comfortable with showing up and connecting with someone new, a stranger, regardless of how warm, inviting, personable, or professional they are. Plus there is an actual problem to work through on top of the discomfort of a new situation. Chances are that is the work you came to therapy to do was easy you would have already done it on your own. Your therapist knows that it isn’t easy to share and address challenges, but they are there to remind you that you showed up for a reason.  

Therapy is like a dressing room, a work room, or a kitchen. It is a safe place to examine yourself---try things on, see if they still fit, make mistakes, throw things away, and above all create something new. Eventually one becomes so familiar with this kind of work that it begins to feel like second nature and is no longer arduous. The therapy space is a place to cultivate confidence and learn how to share and explore feelings. Your therapist is not as much of a guide to your journey as much as they are an experienced guest who is participating alongside you. 

Know why you’re starting therapy

Are you eager to get started because something difficult has happened to you or are you experiencing insight into you own readiness to do deep, long-term work?

To some degree the process of engaging in therapy can result in a discovery, but you’re going to need to start with an initial idea of why you’re attending in the first place. This will provide the groundwork to start constructing a treatment plan that gives your therapy some direction and a focal point to refer back to when you are struggling to learn the ropes. Having a primary purpose will also help you feel motivated to continue showing up and exploring yourself, your life, and your path. The effectiveness of the work you are doing and your progress toward your goals will be assessed periodically throughout the duration of your therapy process to determine whether or not the methods being used are effective. Therapy can be short-term or it can be long-term, and when the time comes for it to end there should ideally be a discussion about it. No therapist expects you to be in therapy forever. Our job is to get ourselves “fired.” When you have met your goals, we have done out job and are pleased to see you return to your life with new skills and insights that you know how to utilize on your own without our help.

Do you have pre-conceived expectations?

One important aspect of attending therapy that is often overlooked in the beginning is whether or not you, the attendee, are entering into the process from the get-go with any preconceived notions about what the therapy process is supposed to be like. Do you already have an idea in mind about how much time out of therapy will take? Are you looking for homework assignments every week? Are you expecting the results to be measurable? Are you goals small and specific or larger and possibly more abstract? Are you searching for truth or are you searching for someone to tell you what sounds comforting? We’ve all seen movies and TV shows that paint a particular picture of what therapy is like. Each different view is designed to fit the story being told and pays little attention to whether or not the depiction is accurate. I invite you to let go of what Hollywood has told you should be doing in your own therapy space and listen carefully to what hearing your own words, spoken out loud, indicate that you need.

People aren’t always ready for therapy

Starting the process of self-examination is harder than many people initially realize.

You didn’t get where you are overnight so it isn’t all going to change overnight either. You may discover once you get started that you weren’t fully prepared for everything that therapy entails. Working on yourself requires commitment. You have a responsibility to yourself and to your personal work that starts the moment you make the first scheduling call, do the paperwork, keep an appointment. In therapy, you are also responsible to being open and honest with yourself as well as holding others accountable for crossing your boundaries. You have to do certain pieces of this work yourself for it to be effective. That means that even saying “no thank you” to continuing the therapy process when you aren’t really ready for it is also your responsibility. It is OK to realize that sometimes the best way to utilize the therapeutic process is to honest with ourselves about our fitness for certain levels of the work, honor that awareness, and leave the door open so that we can return to the therapy space at a later date.